I am losing my hair. Once it was full and magnificent and now… not so much. My father has a full head of hair, salted and ever so slightly peppered. My mother has thick fabulous hair that frames her face and makes swishy sounds when she turns suddenly at unexpected noises. Like an air rifle firing but not. Me – I’m going all George Costanza. So I’ve taken to wearing a series of caps and hats but just can’t find a style that seems to be agreeable. Perhaps only certain people can carry off an ensemble that involves a hat… and then thought about my late teens when the Midnight and I were searching for an identity as other kids bop’d to Vanilla Ice and Run DMC.

Awkward. Very awkward. Even now. And with that in mind – enjoy this little sketch clip from the guys and gals at College Humor. Consider Midnight in the yellow visor shades… the Saturday with the sort receding hair and stray hand… in case you were wondering… ummm awkward.

The Gold Suite Rapper image appearing in this post is courtesy of Chad Theatrical. You have been warned but then… there is never any accounting for tastes. I own one of these hats. Word!

So, I have to admit it. I’ve been lusting after an Amazon Kindle ever since I heard about them, and now that Amazon have released a 2.0 of the device, I want one twice as more.

Don’t get me wrong, I love analogue reading. There’s something satisfying about holding a real book in your hands that has almost nothing to do with the story inside.

And yet, the idea of being able to carry 200 books with me wherever I go [1] makes me go weak at the knees and supple at the elbows. I’d even happily buy one without the in-built functionality of being able to download new books wherever you happen to be [2]. Seriously, if I had to download the books and copy them over via USB, I’d still be thrilled!

But, of course, Amazon has no immediate plans to make the Kindle available outside the US, and Australia will probably be way down the list if and when they do make it available in other countries. Damn their eyes.

Which makes me wonder – what techno items do the other Voodoonista covet?

If you answered, "Yes, Mister Midnight!", then your name will be crossed off the list of people due to be sent to the ‘Voodoologic Re-education Centres’ [1] we here at the High Command intend to establish, once we have been popularly elected as leaders of the world, after we have identified and liquidated [2] anyone more popular than we are [3].

If, on the other hand, you answered, "Who’s Stephen Fry?", then please pack a small overnight bag and place it at your front door, ready for when the black van pulls into your driveway. You honestly won’t need more than one or two changes of clothes, since these will be incinerated as well.

***

I’ve been re-listening to Stephen Fry’s Podgrams, and re-discovering my delight at sharing in the thoughts and ramblings of an incredibly funny and an immensely eloquent man.

It has become obvious to me that there is an urgent need to enshrine Stephen in gold, such that future generations will be able to look upon him and venerate his wisdom and humility and humour, and to also wonder why we brought his gentle, wonderful wit to an untimely end by pouring molten gold on him. To these future generations I say: good question. I’ve looked through my notes and for some reason I can’t find where I scribbled down why this was such a good plan, but I do remember that it was complete with a diagram of the gold-pouring device. I’ll have to get back to you later on that one, future generations.

For the current generation, if you haven’t done yourself the service of becoming acquainted with Stephen Fry’s Podgrams, can I please suggest you do so without delay?

If for no other reason, he just might help you fall in love with the English language again.

Linkage:

• Stephen Fry’s web site
• Stephen Fry’s blog
• Stephen Fry’s Podgrams

No, not the type of alien that might have snuck across a border from another country, but the type of alien that might have snuck across vast reaches of intergalactic space from another planet.

The article lists 10 behavioural glitches that a co-worker might demonstrate that would give away his or her true alien nature.

They are [1]:

• Weird or mismatched clothes
• Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
• Bizarre sense of humor.
• Takes frequent sick days.
• Keeps a hand-written or online diary.
• Misuses everyday items.
• Constant questions about customs of co-workers.
• Secretive about personal life-style and home.
• Frequently talks to himself.
• Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near high-tech hardware.

I’m sure it hasn’t escaped the notice of the Weekly World News editorial team that their alien criteria could also be mistaken as a template for the persecution of a different group of creatures who exist primarily in other realms; albeit, yes, usually imaginary ones. I mean, come on. Strange diet? Secretive about home life? Displays mood swings near high tech gadgets? And the ultimate kicker, bizarre sense of humour? [2] Reading between the lines [3], this appears to be a declaration of war against every Geek on the face of the planet.

But I wonder if the Weekly World News is truly prepared for a war that the rest of humanity is doomed to lose?

Yes, we Geeks may have bizarre ways compared to you normal humans, but we have an advantage – a secret weapon, if you will – that we will not be afraid to use.

We know how things work.

In fact, there’s every chance we were the ones who made those things work in the first damn place.

We know the secret settings in your spell checker that will render it only capable of spell checking in Azerbaijani [4]. We know how to replace paper in the photocopier, and we will cease doing so. Through years of trial and error, we know what you mean when you say, “Can you make it do the thing with the thing, you know, the thing, but make it purple?” and we will deliberately pretend we have no clue what the hell you are talking about. And, we already know how to speak in Vulcan, so your attempts to understand our coordinating communications will be as futile as when Captain Picard attempted to infiltrate The Borg ship [5].

And there is one final, terrible thing to consider mortals clueless noobs people. We The Geek Army are permanently caffeinated beyond all levels of sanity. [6] We are jumpy and easy to startle, and there’s every chance we will initiate Armageddon early one Thursday morning anyway, simply as a result of spending 32 hours straight playing World Of Warcraft in a delusional state of coffee-induced hyper-paranoia. Aha ahahaha ahahahahahaha!

…Sorry. I, er… I don’t know what came over me there.

Still, if you are concerned that some of the people you sit near at work might not be who (or what!) they claim to be, and you are reasonably certain they aren’t just Geeks [7], you might find some useful information at: 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is An Alien.

On the other hand, you probably won’t.

Photo courtesy of everdark.

It is within these heavily sound-proofed basement walls that the Voodoologic Team conducts much of its human experimentation research into the challenging question of exactly why the hell do people behave the way they do?

We are, as yet, no closer to a definitive answer, despite years of combined confusion over why some individuals choose to behave like mindless emotional parasites, and particularly why so many other people think that it is very cool when they do.

***

It’s hard, maybe even impossible, to get a real sense of someone from a single internet post. It’s even harder when you realise that many people have very different online personas from their real-world personalities.

And yet, every now and then you encounter someone out there in the internet badlands who simply sets your teeth on edge in a way that makes it hard to convince yourself that you’re not seeing a true glimpse of the person festering behind the words.

The Voodoologic Behavioural Sciences Research Team would like to introduce you to Jeff, author of ‘Why You Should Always Log Out’.

***

If you take a look at the above link you’ll discover that Jeff’s ‘thing’ [1] is the persecution of people who aren’t careful to log out of online accounts when they’ve finished using public computers.

Jeff is apparently studying at some college or another, and he appears to spend a lot of time using shared computers.

His hobby, while obviously otherwise diligently learning how to make the world a better place [2], is checking computers for user accounts that are still left logged in, and then wreaking havoc with those accounts.

His justification? Well, it appears to be something like, “That’ll teach them to be more careful in future,” or some similar kind of self-serving nonsense like that. But you don’t have to read too far into Jeff’s post to realise that this is simply a paper-thin veneer over his true motivations. Jeff likes to punish people who have done him no harm, in ways those people will probably never understand they enabled through a little bit of carelessness.

***

I like to think that as we get older, most of us go through enough formative life experiences to learn a lesson similar to, “What goes around, comes around.” Or perhaps, “Do unto others…” Or even, “Karma, dude.”

It’s not the most eloquently expressed sentiment in the world, but it reminds me of George Costanza’s oft-anguished cry of, “You know, we’re living in a society here!”

We are living in a society, and one of the few things that makes dealing with all of the grinding annoyances and disappointments that come our way is the hope that others will show a little compassion at those times when we’re vulnerable.

***

Jeff likes to mess with people’s college enrolments. He can sense the need to send a young woman’s father the kind of email that would horrify any parent to receive. And vandalising relationships? Full steam ahead, baby!

Of course, if Jeff hadn’t been, well, essentially emotionally retarded, it might have occurred to him that he could have simply emailed these people a little note that read something like:

Hi,

You left your email / enrolment page / facebook account / whatever logged in when you finished using the computer at college today.

You should be careful about logging out of these sites when you finish using them, because another person could probably cause you some embarrassment or inconvenience if they decided to play games with your information.

Just to let you know, I logged you out of the account this time, so hopefully nothing bad happened while it was still logged in (but you might want to check, all the same).

All the best,

A Good Samaritan

Or, let’s say that no email address is available. He could perhaps have taken the bold move to simply log that person out, and hope that it was a one-off oversight on their part. I know, we all want to sit down and rock back-and-forth while we consider the revolutionariness of that particular suggestion.

Jeff, however, has righteous indignation on his side. And, let’s face it, in the direction of simply being helpful there are no vindictive giggles at another person’s expense to be had. This is how we know that for all his claims that “to some extent I feel bad,” and, “I questioned doing it for a solid 15 minutes,” Jeff is pretty much what we like to describe in the Behavioural Sciences Industry as an “asshole”.

***

It’s good advice. You should be careful about logging out of online applications when you finish using a shared computer.

Unfortunately, there are people like Jeff in the world. They will take advantage of you. They will gloat about it publically. They will think they did something funny and cool, as opposed to abusive and immature.

***

RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: A radical, extended course of life experiences, culminating in the realisation that the next time you make a mistake [3] you will be hoping like crazy that people will treat you better than you deserve.

“You know something? I’ve never met a person called Murray that I like.”

David W (after a short pause):

“I have, but you wouldn’t know him.”

Murray @ Midnight (after a longer pause):

“Wow. Why do you have to be such a hater?”