Wherein our heroes discuss various matters relating to television.
‘The Conversation’ is an ongoing dialogue between Voodoologic’s co-conspirators, Darren Saturday and Murray @ Midnight.
| Saturday | Why do TV producers persist with placing men in the uncomfortable position of having to pick – Rachel or Monica… Veronica or Betty, Wilma or Betty, Ginger or Mary-Ann… the desperate housewives except the brunette that looks like the joker when she”s smiling |
| Midnight | Funny, you know, I can’t ever remember having this issue. Except… well, maybe Ginger or Mary-Ann from Gilligan’s Island, and even then I thought Mary-Ann was much more attractive.
Okay, it’s kind of creeping me out that I had a preference at all. But actually, you know what I really can’t stand in most TV shows? The ‘unrequited love’ / ‘sexual tension’ thing that they trot out in almost every damn series that ever gets produced. Seriously, I understand that there’s a TV show playbook, and on page 1 of that playbook it says something like, ‘The main woman and the main guy? They should, like, really dig each other but, yeah, never figure it out until, you know, maybe the last season?’ It’s become such a predictable formula that every time I see it in a show I end up thinking, ‘Yeah, you just solved your 28th serial killer case (where do all these serial killers come from? Do they all hang out in the same bar or something?), but you can’t figure out that you should probably go out to dinner and a movie some time soon? The hell is wrong with you?’ |
| Saturday | They do it for the female viewership. If it was just for the benefit of male viewers, the heros would be banging away like mad rabbits from the get go. Women kinda like this sense of unresolved sexual tension… let’s face it – women like the process involved in pretty much anything – men are solely focused on the end result. How else do explain these cooking shows? |
| Midnight | Wait just a damn minute, Saturday. I seem to recall sitting through more than one cooking show in your living room, and I know you have a secret… okay, maybe not so secret… thing for Nigella Lawson.
Sure, that probably doesn’t have a lot to do with her cooking, but it sure has a lot to do with the sexual tension when she’s slaving over her famous Red Velvet Cake (dear Grod, so very tense). Okay, so you probably have a point about unresolved relationships on a lot of shows being pitched at least somewhat in the direction of the female audience, but I’m not convinced it’s that simple. Look at the dynamic between Mulder and Scully on the X-Files. For at least a few seasons this was a primarily geeky male show, and yet there was the predictable ‘Are they? Are they not?’ thing between the two primary characters. Where does that come from, unless TV producers have a bible somewhere that says, “Thou shalt not let the two main leads get together”? |
| Saturday | Dude. Let me put it too you like this – Girls can be Geeks too! |
| Midnight | Oh, hey, there is no need to be telling me this.
Okay, okay, but wait. Here’s an idea for a television show. Okay, so there are two main characters… and they’re chefs, right? But! They also solve crimes! So first the cooking, and then with the solving of the crimes, they travel around the country showcasing regional ingredients and recipes, but also catching a disturbing number of serial killers, because we all know that regional areas are just crawling with them, and every episode finishes with the two chefs serving the serial killer his last meal and asking him (or occasionally her) to rate the various dishes and then arguing over the quality of the potatoes before the guards drag him (or occasionally her) to the electric chair. And here’s the kicker — even though the two chefs are sordidly into each other, they never get it sorted because one of them is afraid of commitment and the other one is so romantically awkward that he only has 6 fingers left after taking 4 of them off at various points when his gorgeous partner in crime cuisine has brushed past him in the kitchen or bent over to get something out of the oven or said the word “souffle”. What do you think? |
| Saturday | …ok liking it but it needs two key things. Number one – a song from The Who back catalogue not currently assigned to any of the CSI shows. Two – a cool name that is no more than four words, better still if it’s one. I’m gonna put forward “Jus” or “Flambe and Blanched” or “Cookin’ with Gas & Rowena” or “This is not a Michael Jackson Tribute” or “Dips and Chips” or “Sunnyside Up”… or “Mint Mojito” or “Clambake”… yeah… “Basil and Paprika” |
| Midnight | Yeah, okay, how come The Who have become the defacto power theme-song artists? Why not Led Zeppelin, or the Stones? I mean, sure, “Who are you?” is kind of obvious for a crime scene investigation show, but “Baba O’Riley” from CSI:NY? For real?
Heh, I like “This is not a Michael Jackson Tribute”. What about… “A Taste For Murder”? Or, “A Moment On Your Lips, A Lifetime Locked In Solitary?” |
| Saturday | The reason The Who songs have worked so well on these ‘CSI’ programs is that each of these three songs has a great riff right at the start. Check it out – they only play 30+ odd seconds over the title and we are away… |
| Midnight | Well, I gotta tell you, I’m not going to be satisfied with my television viewing experience until they release a major crime drama that uses “Watching The Detectives” by Elvis Costello.
You hear me, people from Television Land! I will not be satisfied! …There. I’m sure that will do it, because it goes without saying that they care. …Hello? |
Join in on The Conversation in the comments section below!
I think the show needs to be called ‘Skewered’.
Do you see it as Columbo meets Jamie Oliver because I’d really hate to think that your inspiration was coming from something like Angela Lansbury and Murder, She Wrote. That’s just a little too creepy for me.
Hmmm, I was thinking “Freshly Cut”, but “Skewered” is also good.
Have you ever seen a show called “Rosemary and Thyme”? Not like that. Not like that at all.
Also, Angela Lansbury makes me want to hurt people too, but not as much as whatsisname from CSI:Miami.
Murray @ Midnight
Oh! and another song I want to see as a theme for a major crime drama — “Looking For Clues” by Robert Palmer!
BAM!
Murray @ Midnight
I think the show needs to be centred aroung the staff of a busy inner city restaurant. No murders will ever take place within the premises but the staff will find themselves linked just through happenchance to a murder each episode.
THe two main character could then use their culinary prowess to solve the case eash week.
The promo material could include the phrase ‘serving up murder’
Ane the theme sould be Pantera’s – 5 minutes alone. Not cause it has anything to do with food or murder. It simply has the best Heavy Metal riff ever written.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXtWL0G3dmk
Hmmm Stark Raving, this is getting dangerously close to Murder She wrote. With the propensity for grief to come to Angela Lansbury’s friends and relatives, most sensible people would give her a wide berth. Seriously if she invited me anywhere I’d be washing the cat or vaccuming the grass or something.
I would rather see the customers of the restaurant meet unfortunate ends and it is the restaurant that ties them all together in the sense that a few days before their untimely ends they dined at the place.
Either that or the detective is a TV chef – The Flambe’d Chef in much the same way (without the bad acting and pathetic humour of Andrew Dice Clay) as the rock n roll detective from The Adventure’s of Ford Fairlane.
OK then the chiefs can be froma catering company who work in the fictional English county of Medwell. Each episode could start with a murder where our staff just happen to be catering. I.e. Haloumi Hall, The St Oeuf’s Church fair, the Haricot village markets, or the Roulade-Veloute wedding.
Our heros, chief Todd Bain and sous chief Maree Marshall then set about to solve the case. However each week two more murders take place before the killer is ultimatly bought to justice.
The show is in the 88 minute format (2 hours). And we still go with the first 25 seconds of ’5 minutes alone’ for the intro.
I have more characters
Julienne Baste – Apprentice
Laughlan (Lochs) Battuto – supplier/delivery guy
Bernaise Duxelles – Pastry chief
American chief Dice Papillote – guest star in each season
Mirin Haricot – apperently works in the office but is always on-site for some reason
Terrine Spatzle – italian chief on staff