"So," explained Kenneth The Vacuous, "there the 3 of us were -"

"3 of you?" Nurl murmured, frowning down at his crossword puzzle.

" – yes, and we were looking at this sword, right -"

"Which 3 of you? I thought you usually worked alone?"

"- yes, normally, but I met the other 2 at a bar — this being FlargFlargBloxlnl The Difficult To Pronounce and Wandering Xing-Lu -"

"Xing-Lu’s out of jail again? I thought he was in for 8 years this time?"

"He was, but he got off on a technicality."

"Really? What was the technicality?"

"He ate his way out of his cell and killed all the guards."

Nurl blinked and gave this some thought. "That’s by way of being a hell of a technicality."

"Yes, anyway, so I met them at a bar and we’d had a few too many drinks and it seemed like a good idea at the time… You know the sort of thing — someone says, ‘Hey, I know this Level 9 Castle that’s just around the corner. Who’s up for storming it?’ And it’s only as you’re clinging to the underside of the drawbridge, staring down at a moat that has more fangs in it than any moat should, that you remember that you need at least 4000 heavily-armed soldiers to attack a Level 9 Castle, and here you are with 5 pissed warriors and a very angry accountant named Phil. Even worse, Phil is the only one making any progress and you can hear him going completely berserk somewhere in the castle over the state of their tax returns. So, anyway, we’re looking at this sword and it’s, like, stuck in this stone, so -"

"It’s stuck in a stone? The sword is stuck in a stone?"

"- is what I just said, yes, it’s stuck in this stone, and -"

"Like, it’s fully encased in the stone, you mean?"

" – no, no, it’s sort of buried in it, standing upright -"

"Wedged? Would you say that it was ‘wedged’ in the stone?"

"Who the hell cares if it was wedged or not?! The important thing — the thing that matters the most — is that it is stuck in the stone -"

"Who would leave a sword stuck in a stone like that?"

"- is something of which I have no idea… Listen, are you going to let me tell this story or what?"

"Tell, tell." Nurl said absently.

Kenneth took a deep breath. "So -"

"What’s a 5 letter word for treasure? Starts with a ‘b’."

"What?"

"5 letter word for treasure. Starts with a ‘b’."

"Booty. So -"

"Boooooooooty," Nurl repeated, carefully penciling the word into the appropriate squares.

"Look, will you please shut up. So, there were the 3 of us, looking at this sword, which is stuck, as I have pointed out, in a stone. And there’s a plaque, which says -"

"Extract."

"… Actually, yes, words to that effect… Hang on, have you seen this sword?"

"Hmmm? No, no — 7 letter word for ‘retrieve’, starting with an ‘E’. Extract."

"Right! I’m going to go tell this story to someone else!"

"No, no, I’m listening. Sword. Stone. Plaque."

"… Okay. So, yes, there’s this plaque, on the stone, and it reads, ‘"Whoso shall pull this Sword forth of the stone
is rightwise king, born of all England.’"

"Did I ever tell you that I was emperor of Prussia for a couple of weeks, until I got sick of the cabbages? King of England would be better. Not so many cabbages, you’d imagine."

"Which is what we were all thinking as well, except for the part about the cabbages, yes. So, there we were, trying to pull this damn sword out of this damn stone, and this kid comes along. What was his name…"

"Barry? Graham? Seth?"

"…You’re not helping, you know that, yeah? Arthur! That was his name – Arthur! So, this kid wanders up to the sword, and we’re all giving him crap about the fact that if 3 muscle-bound heroes can’t get it out, what hope in hell does he have, right? I mean, we were all pissed, so our manners weren’t the best, and -"

"Aha ahahah — your manners are never the best, even when you’re sober. Especially when you’re sober, come to think of it."

"- shutup, and knock me over if the little bugger doesn’t just pull the damn thing out! So, we’re all like, ‘Yeah, well, you know, we loosened it for you and everything,’ and the kid says, ‘You 3 look like you are of noble and heroic birth — you shall be the first to become my Knights Of The Round Table." So, we all looked at each other and the same thing occurs to all of us -"

"You mugged him."

"- which is exactly what we did, and we made off with the sword."

"You mugged the King of England. I’m having coffee with the guy who mugged the King of England."

"Anyway, so we hightail it into this forest, right, and we get our silly asses lost -"

"Hah! There is no surprise to me in this. Remember that time you raided the Temple Of Grod, and you were in there for like, 14 weeks? And it turned out there were only 6 medium-sized rooms to the entire temple? And you had a map?"

"Shutup. So, we’re standing in the forest, arguing about whether or not we should have taken a left, instead of a right, back at the Gingerbread Cottage, when this guy jumps out from behind a tree, all dressed in green -"

"Good color for a forest. Very soothing."

"- shutup, and he yells ‘Aha!’"

"- being standard jumping-out-from-behind-a-tree dialogue -"

"- and none of us are expecting it, so we all go about soiling our loincloths, and he says, "I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor!"

"Hang on — he steals from the rich…"

"Is what he said."

"And he gives to the poor…"

"Is also what he said."

"Well, the stealing from the rich part I get. That makes sense. But the giving to the poor? That sounds mental."

"Maybe it’s some kind of fetish thing. Anyway, so we’re all doing this, "Wow, it’s been a long time since we had any work, we’re flat broke, maybe you’ve got a few thousand dollars you can spare?" thing, when he spots that Xing-Lu’s carrying a bow."

"That Xing-Lu. Always with the bow."

"So, he challenges Xing-Lu to an archery contest, and me and FlargFlarg are going, "Oh, hell no, that’s how that whole thing with William Tell got started," but Xing-Lu won’t be told, so they set up this target and Xing-Lu goes first, partly because he’s the one who got challenged, but mostly because you can tell he’s completely psychotic, so who would argue, am I right?"

"Which reminds me — what’s a 6 letter word for a container for carrying arrows? Starts with a ‘q’?"

"Quiver." Kenneth frowned at his coffee companion.  "Look, Nurl, you do realize that you’re supposed to do crossword puzzles on your own, right? Otherwise, they’d be called Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You Puzzles."

An offended expression crossed Nurl’s absurdly chiselled features. "Hey, listen Kenneth," he said, "I don’t need your help with the crossword. The last thing I am in need of, just so we are clear on this issue, is your help with the crossword. What I am doing is allowing you to participate in the crossword, see, in the interests of ensuring that you do not feel left out, in a crossword-participation sense."

There was an acrimonious silence.

"Quiver is with one ‘v’?" Nurl asked with a sniff, as if he wasn’t even vaguely interested in the answer.

"Yes, one ‘v’." Replied Kenneth wearily.

"And a ‘u’?" Nurl asked, also with a sniff.

"Yes, also with a ‘u’."

"And it ends with -" began Nurl, presumably with a sniff.

"Q!" Yelled Kenneth. "U! I! V! E! -"

"All right, all right, I have it now! For the love of Grod, Kenneth, you really need to learn how to relax…"

"I am relaxed," Kenneth snarled, his left eye twitching madly.

"Why don’t you finish your story," Nurl suggested. "You’d just got to the part where Xing-Lu was going to kick some poor demented shmuck’s green-clad ass at archery."

Kenneth giggled randomly for a few moments and then suddenly sat forward. "Well, now that’s what you’d think, right — after all, Xing-Lu’s legendary with the bow, and who the hell is this guy who hangs around in forests? However -"

"Didn’t we establish that his name is Robin Hood?"

"- yes, but it was a rhetorical question -"

"Funny name for someone who steals for a living, when you think about it: "Robbin’." And "Hood"? Why didn’t he just call himself "Robbin’ MafiaHitman"? Or, "Robbin’ Loanshark"? Or, "Robbin’ 2ndHandCarSalesman"? I mean, it’s a little obvious, don’t you think?"

"- yes, yes, we know his name, well done, but the point I’m trying to make, however, is that everyone knows Wandering Xing-Lu is amazing with a bow and arrow and this forest dude is obviously in for an introduction to some major archery humiliation. So! They set up this target and Xing-Lu goes first — thunk! A bullseye! And me and FlargFlarg are going, "Pfeh, of course" and we’re wishing like hell there was a bookie somewhere in the forest when the other guy lines his shot up and kchunk! -"

"Kchunk?"

"- yes, kchunk, shutup, it will become evident why — and kchunk! He splits Xing-Lu’s arrow!"

"He what?!"

"I know!"

"No, no, I didn’t hear what you said, I was trying to spell ‘kchunk’ in my head… What did he do?"

"Oh for the love of Grod… He split Xing-Lu’s arrow!"

"You’re kidding me! What, right down the middle, split the arrow in half?"

"Yah! In half!"

"Wow, Xing-Lu must have been pissed."

"Pissed does not even begin to cover how Xing-Lu is feeling at this point. So, anyway, he takes another shot, and kchunk! -"

"Kchunk again?"

"- yes, kchunk!, he splits the other guy’s arrow!"

"Good Grod!"

"But wait! The other guy takes a 2nd shot and kchunk – yes, kchunk – he splits the arrow Xing-Lu used to split his arrow, which he’d used to split Xing-Lu’s first arrow!"

"He split… the second arrow… that Xing-Lu split… with his other arrow…?"

"Yes, something like that — anyway, this keeps going on, right, one arrow after another, until the forest clearing is completely littered with arrow bits and you can’t even see the target anymore, it has so many split arrows stuck in it. By this point me and FlargFlarg have totally lost interest and we’re lounging underneath a tree, swapping lies with this Hood’s group of merry men, while FlargFlarg is also trying to hit on some maid called Marion, when Xing-Lu finally loses his temper and kicks this Robin guy in the fundamentals."

"In the fundamentals?"

"Yes, you know… the, er… you know, the fundamentals."

"You mean the testicles?"

"Ssshh! Ssshhh! Yes, yes I mean the, er, the… fundamentals, like you said."

"That Xing–Lu. Always with the kicking of people in the fundamental testicles."

"Shhhh! So, anyway, this is when everything goes completely banana-shaped, right. FlargFlarg is bragging to this Marion maid about the size of his -"

"Manhood?"

"Estate! The size of his estate! And I’m telling this huge guy called Little John and this other guy called Friar Tuck about how good I am with my -"

"Enraged masculine essence?"

"- sword! How good I am with my sword!"

"Well, yes, I guess you could call it a sword…"

"My real sword! Shut up! And suddenly this Hood guy goes "Hoik!" and slumps to the ground and within moments the air is literally sizzling with arrows and with guys in green swinging back and forth and people yelling "The Sheriff Of Nottingham!" and "Evil Prince John!" and "Phil The Berserk Accountant!" So, me and FlargFlarg grab Xing-Lu, who is still stomping on the forest guy, and we catch the number 93 bus to -"

"You what?"

"We grab Xing-Lu and we catch the number 93 bus, which -"

"You catch a bus? In the middle of all these merry men doing their merry thing in the forest, you catch a bus?"

"Did I not mention about the bus? This is why we were hanging around the clearing in the first place — waiting for the number 93 bus."

"Oh, well done, Kenneth — here I am, thinking you’re in some dark and primeval forest -"

"Well, it was a little dark -"

"- facing off against all these monsters and crazy forest people and whatnot -"

"And it was at least reasonably primeval…"

"- when it turns out you were just running around like an idiot in the flower beds outside the Sherwood Forest Shopping Mall?"

"Look, Nurl, this was serious business! There were injuries! For example — Xing-Lu slipped when he was getting on the bus and hit his head, and now he thinks he’s a small citrus tree… And the disgusting little bugger is expecting to be pollinated! Not to mention that FlargFlarg got into an argument with a group of nuns at the back of the bus and a knife fight broke out and he was stabbed 143 times before any us of thought to go check what he was screaming about."

"These nuns -"

"I hate those nuns."

"- they’re not the nuns that are always singing about how do you solve a problem like Maria?"

"Yes!"

"And the ones who are always going on about how the hills are alive with the sound of music?"

"Yes!"

"Pfeh. Someone should tell those nuns that the only hills in this region that are alive are the Vampire Foothills Of Deathhausen. And the only sound they’re alive with is people screaming, "The Hills! The horrible, horrible hills!" Accompanied, of course, by the sound of chewing."

"I hate those nuns. Have I mention that I hate those nuns?"

"Everyone hates those nuns, Kenneth. Well, maybe Xing-Lu doesn’t anymore. Hard to imagine a nun-hating citrus tree…"

"Pollination," Kenneth muttered with revulsion. "It’s disgusting, I tell you, completely disgusting."

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