Weekly World News, a publication that does for truth in journalism what FOX News has done for, well, truth in journalism, has a timely and useful article on how to tell if one of your co-workers is really an alien.
No, not the type of alien that might have snuck across a border from another country, but the type of alien that might have snuck across vast reaches of intergalactic space from another planet.
The article lists 10 behavioural glitches that a co-worker might demonstrate that would give away his or her true alien nature.
They are [1]:
- Weird or mismatched clothes
- Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
- Bizarre sense of humor.
- Takes frequent sick days.
- Keeps a hand-written or online diary.
- Misuses everyday items.
- Constant questions about customs of co-workers.
- Secretive about personal life-style and home.
- Frequently talks to himself.
- Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near high-tech hardware.
I’m sure it hasn’t escaped the notice of the Weekly World News editorial team that their alien criteria could also be mistaken as a template for the persecution of a different group of creatures who exist primarily in other realms; albeit, yes, usually imaginary ones. I mean, come on. Strange diet? Secretive about home life? Displays mood swings near high tech gadgets? And the ultimate kicker, bizarre sense of humour? [2] Reading between the lines [3], this appears to be a declaration of war against every Geek on the face of the planet.
But I wonder if the Weekly World News is truly prepared for a war that the rest of humanity is doomed to lose?
Yes, we Geeks may have bizarre ways compared to you normal humans, but we have an advantage – a secret weapon, if you will – that we will not be afraid to use.
We know how things work.
In fact, there’s every chance we were the ones who made those things work in the first damn place.
We know the secret settings in your spell checker that will render it only capable of spell checking in Azerbaijani [4]. We know how to replace paper in the photocopier, and we will cease doing so. Through years of trial and error, we know what you mean when you say, “Can you make it do the thing with the thing, you know, the thing, but make it purple?” and we will deliberately pretend we have no clue what the hell you are talking about. And, we already know how to speak in Vulcan, so your attempts to understand our coordinating communications will be as futile as when Captain Picard attempted to infiltrate The Borg ship [5].
And there is one final, terrible thing to consider mortals clueless noobs people. We The Geek Army are permanently caffeinated beyond all levels of sanity. [6] We are jumpy and easy to startle, and there’s every chance we will initiate Armageddon early one Thursday morning anyway, simply as a result of spending 32 hours straight playing World Of Warcraft in a delusional state of coffee-induced hyper-paranoia. Aha ahahaha ahahahahahaha!
…Sorry. I, er… I don’t know what came over me there.
Still, if you are concerned that some of the people you sit near at work might not be who (or what!) they claim to be, and you are reasonably certain they aren’t just Geeks [7], you might find some useful information at: 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is An Alien.
On the other hand, you probably won’t.
Photo courtesy of everdark.
| 1. | The article gives some explanatory notes for each of these behavioural signs, so it’s still worth reading it. |
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| 2. | Actually, this one might be debatable. Geeks tend to think they understand humour, but basically we just quote Monty Python at each other until someone begs for mercy. |
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| 3. | Okay, am I the only one who usually only finds empty spaces between the lines? What the hell does this saying mean? |
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| 4. | In Azerbaijan, the Geeks will render the spell checkers only capable of checking words in Swahili. |
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| 5. | Hah! And didn’t that go well for his eloquent, bald-headed ass! |
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| 6. | Also, we are socially awkward, and we are convinced you already hate us anyway. |
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| 7. | Try this simple test. Say to your prospective Geek the following sentence: “He’s not the Messiah…” If he or she glazes over and says back, “…he’s just a very naughty boy,” then you are dealing with a Geek. If he or she instead attempts to tear your head off with green tentacles, and impregnate your nostrils with alien spawn, then chances are you are not, in fact, dealing with a Geek, but are instead likely to be dealing with a Bank Manager. Or possibly an alien. |
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This assumes that all aliens are male. Which is wierd ’cause all women are from Venus (apparently)
Maybe the female aliens (or the aliens who are females?) are simply better at hiding these tell-tale signs?
Or, who knows, maybe we’re conditioned to find the kind of behaviour that would be bizarre and creepy in a male, interesting and quirky in females? I can’t be the only guy in the world who has thought to himself, “Wow, she keeps tarantulas as pets, that’s interesting. And she collects skin samples from people while they’re sleeping and keeps them in labelled bottles in her closet, how cute is that?”
Murray @ Midnight