“And so anyway,” continued Kenneth The Vacuous, “there I was in the very bowels of The Temple Of Schlorg, right -”
“The very bowels?” Asked Nurl, examining a bagel.
“- yeah, the very bowels, right -”
“Sounds kind of unpleasant…”
“Is what I’m trying to explain to you, yeah, so shut up; there I am and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, jump these four Schlorgian Death Priests -”
“What, four of them?”
“Yeah, four of them. And -”
“No, hang on, Schlorgian Death Priests only travel in threes. They’re famous for it. Well, that and sticking sharp sticks up people’s – ”
“Yeah yeah, usually, usually, except, you see, on The Sacred Feast Day Of Schlorg, which takes place on the Vernal Equinox, I think. And every Sunday. And then they travel in fours. See? Anyway, so they jump out, right, and I think ‘Crap!’ -”
” – being in the bowels of the Temple, as you were -”
“- yeah, funny, did I not just tell you to shut up? I thought we established you were going to shut up? So shut up. Anyway, so there I am, and there are these four Schlorgian Death Priests, right, and you know what they’re like, no sense of humour whatsoever -”
“This is the Schlorg with the armpits?”
“… no that’s the other one, I think. This is the one with the knuckles. And the eyebrow. I’m definitely certain there’s an eyebrow featured somewhere.”
“Right. Not the one I’m thinking of.”
“Yes -”
” – with the armpits -”
“- yes, not that one, the other one.”
“I thought the other one was the other one?”
“Seriously, you need to shut up. And give me a bagel.”
“These bagels,” said Nurl philosophically, “are not very good bagels.”
“Anyway, so there I am, and there are the Death Priests, right, and suddenly I remembered that I was carrying The Amulet Of Encroaching Middle Age and I realised -”
“The Amulet Of…”
“- Encroaching Middle Age, yes, and I realised you can use this thing against Schlorgian Death Priests. I mean, it actually even says so right in the User’s Manual and everything. And so -”
“How does it work?”
“- is what I’m about to get to, so shut up, and so, I take out the Amulet and I go, right, ‘Hey, take a look at this Amulet guys.’ This, you understand, is what you’re supposed to do. And then one of them says, ‘Hey, you know, interesting amulet.’”
“Ooh, spooky.”
“Shut up. And then he says, ‘Hey, Dennis, come and look at this amulet.’ And Dennis says, ‘Wow, nice amulet. I remember my dad had one of those.’ And, while they are looking at the amulet, this is when you completely run away.”
“Instead of the alternative, which I assume is only partially running away?”
“What, and I am going to ask you seriously about this, is wrong with this bagel? There is definitely something wrong with this bagel.”
“Didn’t I say to you about the bagels? I remember mentioning the bagels.”
“Miss? Could we have two more cappuccinos over here and can you do something about the bagels? I mean, is that too much to ask? Anyway, so there I am, running down this ramp, being chased by one of those huge rolling stone balls -”
“Why does every temple have one of those huge rolling stone balls? Is there some Evil Temple Design Handbook, of which I am unaware, that says, ‘And whatever you do, don’t forget the huge rolling stone ball’?”
“- and I remember that I’ve left the Princess with the One True Bellybutton Ring behind -”
“The One True…?”
“- yes, Bellybutton Ring, and it is currently attached to the Princess and she is back with the Death Priests.”
“Tell me about this bellybutton ring. Should I know it?”
“Everyone knows about the One True Bellybutton Ring don’t they? It’s the one that rules them all.”
“The all of them what?”
“The other bellybutton rings. Look, there were 9 of them, right, and they were given to the — was it the Gnomes? No, they got the other 4, the cheap ones. Maybe it was the Hippies? Anyway, it rules them. The One True one, I mean. And when you put it on it makes you visible.”
“This is its magic power? On the off-chance you happened to be invisible to begin with?”
“No, no — it’s just really big and gaudy and you couldn’t miss it if you were blindfolded and dangling over Bord’s Pit Of Eternally Not Being Interested In Anything Very Much Anymore.”
“You know, I’m not believing a word of this. There is not a word of this that I am prepared to believe. I mean, when you started out this story you were in some box with a table and a mirror and there was no way in or out and you were wondering, how the hell am I going to get out of this box? So now you’re in the Temple Of Schlorg being chased by some stone ball? How the hell did you get out of the box?”
“What?! You weren’t listening when I told you about the box?! But that’s the whole point of the story! If you don’t know about the box then none of it makes sense!”
“You know, I really need another bagel.”
“Those bagels,” said Kenneth philosophically, “are not very good bagels.”
“This is exactly what I have been saying about the bagels all along.” Replied Nurl. “Have I not been saying this about the bagels?”
Excellent Murray. Here’s a request. Can you post an overview of Wisdom City? I love the mix of fantasy and superheroism. what kind of place is Wisdom City though? Is it a metropolis kind of thing, or is it some ancient city that has become modernized and still has elements of the past associated with it in its deep dark bowels (there’s that wrd again!).
Hi Creature, glad you enjoyed. I’m sure I have some notes about Wisdom City somewhere that I can post.
By the way, Creature, in response to your prompting about a Wisdom City book, I’ve been thinking about putting together a PDF / ebook, and selling it for a nominal fee through Paypal.
I don’t think all (or even any) of the short stories are written well-enough or coherently enough to interest a publisher, but I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean that there aren’t people out there who wouldn’t mind paying a few dollars to have the stories collected together, along with some extra bits and pieces.
I’ll have to think about whether or not I can afford (or justify the expense) of some basic artwork.
Still, either way, an interesting hobby project!
Murray @ Midnight
BANGARRRRR! The door slams open at the Voodoologic Clubhouse and in steps Darren Saturday with one arm deeply in pants pocket fondling his worry beads and his other hand stretched high above his head – index finger…. indexing.
“Fear not Gents! I know of said artists who will toil for small sums of coin.”
And with that Darren Saturday turns on his heel and walks back out the open door, strides across the busy street, dodges a numbe rof passing pre-revolution cars, and leaps on to the back of slowly cantering wagon loaded with industrial bottles of purified water and pulled by two large German women with severe haircuts.
JJ “Knuckles” Johnson, the clubhouse manager slowly waddles from behind the bar, pulls his pants up over his considerable girth and in the process gives himself an unpleasent looking front wedgie… camel toed but in a bad way, and ambles over to the entrance, lifts the broken door off the floor and with one well rehearsed movement slams the entire thing back into the entry cavity.
JJ Knuckles turns, aims a perfunctionary nod at Mindnight and the Creature as they sit schemeing about e-bookery around one of the three club tables. Each table features a different vintage map of Wisdom City under glass covering the table top.
They nod back in unison before returning to their mugs of warmish cider and plans that are afoot. It was only then that they had noticed a bright glint on the floor – it would appear Saturday has dropped his house keys again. Yup. He’ll be back… eventually. The Creature orders another round of cider – an extra for the guests about to join them, Midnight folds away his various papers he had been busy indexing from the spare chair.
A dog outside barks and two cats hiss at each other and a lady is heard swearing… he is returning.