You know what I’d like? I’d like to watch a cop show on television where pretty much the most violent thing they ever investigate is a missing cat. Or maybe some nefarious bugger has stolen a pair of rollerskates — the type you used to strap onto your shoes — that no-one uses much anymore, but they still have sentimental value and world peace doesn’t hinge on getting them back, but it would still be nice.

And when the police find the rollerskates and have them sent to forensics for fingerprinting and DNA analysis and blood spatter testing and whatnot, the people who work there are normal looking people, instead of looking like they all just wandered up from a swimsuit calendar shoot on a nearby beach and are just killing time until there’s an emergency lack of abnormally good-looking people somewhere else and they gotta roll. And also, these forensic people will sometimes use a piece of equipment again, instead of always doing something new and amazing and cool, and they won’t have bizarre conversations with eachother where they’re explaining basic crime scene 101 concepts that they should all know, but which are really for the benefit of the audience.

When they interview the lead suspect, the conviction won’t hinge on cleverly faking him into a confession. They’ll use evidence and deduction and they’ll show the guy the footage of him using the rollerskates and he’ll say, “I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that I did it, I mean, look here, here’s where I did this pretty cool 360 degree thing, watch watch watch, there.” And everyone will be in general agreement that the 360 thing was pretty cool, but he still shouldn’t have stolen the rollerskates. Or the cat, in case this episode is about someone stealing a cat.

During the trial the defense will not try to aggravate anyone by using unjust but apparently legally valid techniques to suppress the evidence of the confession, and the footage, and the fingerprint analysis, and the eyewitness testimony, and the previous 12 convictions for rollerskate theft (or cat theft, if this episode is about someone stealing a cat) and the judge won’t have to begrudgingly allow this travesty of a legal proceeding to go ahead because commonsense will say it’s pretty obvious he did it and it will also point out that most of the time these things do not actually happen in court cases. Also, since the guy confessed, there probably won’t be a trial anyway.

In this show there will be no rampant moralising.

In this show there will be no surprise “You’ll never guess what happens next!” moments.

In this show there will be no attempt to make everyone look guilty so that you have a migraine by the end from accusing everyone, including the blind mute guy and the 6 year old kid with the model train collection.

In this show there will be no serial killers, because there are probably shows on 3 other channels at the same time about cops chasing after serial killers, and the combined bodycount of all 3 shows will be larger than the population of a small town or village already.

And in this show there will be no scenes just before the opening credits where the main billboard star is fed a cheesy setup line so he or she can put on a pair of sunglasses, pause, and then say something catchy and deep and meaningful and mildly judgemental and possibly obvious but still cool so that you will wish your conversations also came with a highly paid scriptwriter whose job it is to feed you with great lines just before the loud music and the montage of the beach or the desert or the buildings or the casinos.

In this show there will be none of that.

Also, the cat will be alive and well and possibly called Mister Snoggins.