I have wandered in the wilderness, in search of answers for your questions. And then, after many days without food or water (although I did have Pespsi Max, does that count as one or the other?), I realised that it was silly to wander in the wilderness, since I was poorly prepared and had no idea how to fend off the elements.

Half-starved and suffering from exposure-related dementia, I made my way back to civilisation - well, back to Brisbane, anyway - and brought with me these responses.

1. You may only harsh upon someone’s mellow when they really, really, really, really (no, really) deserve it. Harshing upon a mellow under any other circumstances is simply not to be tolerated, and we have a whole wilderness out there with which to punish you in the case you are mad enough to ignore this advice. Seriously, don’t do it. There are people out there called ‘campers’ who will take you in and make you tea over a campfire and will force you to listen to songs about trees and birds and other wildernessy things.

2. No.

3. This is the wrong question. It’s not how ripe the mellow should be, since you’re obviously referring to a mellon, and not a mellow, and therefore are utterly confused. Please stop that.

4. Holy Wars are fought over things like this. Do you really want to bring up choc clinkers? Really? Or would you rather take the manly route and hide your enjoyment of things not mellow-related? There’s a good chap, I knew you’d arrive at the sensible conclusion.

5. Re: the Holy Wars. I think it’s too late for you, Saturday. I’ll explain to your next of kin why you will be featuring as the main act on top of next week’s bonfire for your sacrilegious use of the word ‘hashing’ instead of the voodoo-approved word, ‘harshing’.

And there you have it.

I trust it was worth the wait.

Murray, Somewhere Near Midnight