I was up late one night last week, desperately wishing I could go to sleep and flipping randomly back and forth between television channels.
I was trying to find something – anything – that would distract me from the fact that I was going to have to go to work in a few hours and would also have to pretend that my brain hadn’t been deep-fried in the canola oil of late night sleeplessness.
Eventually I settled on watching The Benny Hinn Ministry, since it appears that the 4am timeslot is reserved not only for the Damned, but also for the Damned Tired as well.
***
Do you know this Benny Hinn guy? He’s the one that can look down the barrel of a television camera and say, “Jesus wants you to give me all your money,” and not giggle while he’s doing it.
He’s also the guy that can touch people and they fall over as though they’ve been thumped across the back of the head with a pick handle. Later, they get up and they can tap dance and perform acrobatics and everyone sings and praises The Lord and who cares if the poor dancing fool is dead 3 days later, right?
So, at four in the morning I’m watching Benny do his healing thang, and I keep thinking – this guy is so good at knocking people out, he should enter a martial arts tournament. Seriously, I had this image of Steven Segal, Chuck Norris and Jet Li all hiding behind the furniture, saying things like, “Hell no, you go out and see if he’s gone away.”
I’m fairly certain not even Jean-Claude Van Damme could pit his ability to drop into the splits in bizarre situations against the devastating knockout power of Hinn’s Healin’ Hands [1].
***
I did finally manage to get a little sleep, but my dreams were troubled and disturbed.
Benny Hinn was in them, and he was standing in a huge cage, and martial artist after martial artist was attacking him. And it wasn’t until he had knocked nearly all of them out that it occurred to me, as I tossed and turned in my bed, that maybe I should have put my money on the guy who knows the secret of The Jesus Punch after all…
| 1. | Hey, maybe I should trademark that phrase? … On second thoughts, maybe I shouldn’t? |
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Love to get into a conversation with some of his followers, I’ve got some swamp land in Florida for sale you know.
Seriously wasn’t the selling of indulgences one of the causes of the Reformation? My my how things have changed. Give up another dollar for Jesus, Benny needs another Armani tailored suit.
And is it just me or did anyone else read the link twice thinking you said Benny Hill? Now that’s gotta be some irony. Freud would have a field day.
By crikey your right Creature! I did re-read it thinking it was about Benny Hill Ministries… still based on the success of Scientology from the musings of a Sci-Fi writer fitted with a ‘Skippers’ cap, a ministry based on an English comic sounds just as good. Benny (Hill that is although I’m not 100% sure about Hinn) specialised in smacking a rat-tat-tatta-tat on a small bald headed man’s head, most of the program spent gawking at half dressed women, and closing each episode by being chased by said bald small man and half dressed ladies – I say ‘Amen’ and sign me up!
All of which makes me wonder how many people tune in during the early hours of the morning and sit through twenty minutes of Benny Hinn doing his thing before they finally think, “When’s the funny stuff going to happen? And the half-naked women? Where are the half-naked women?”